The Language of the Estate Agent.

This section is a slightly tongue in cheek guide to the language of the Estate Agent. Recent changes to the law have reigned in their imagination somewhat
but inventiveness of description or their use of poetic licence is still their trademark.

What an Estate Agents says

What the Estate Agent Means
  • Convenient for the station.
 The railway runs along the back garden and it is almost impossible to sleep at night. 
Ideal location for newly-weds.
  • Scope for improvement
 The place is falling apart.
  • Compact
 Rooms are an ideal size for the family pet, i.e guinea-pig or hampster, but nothing larger.
  • Well established area.
 Either:  In the oldest, most run down,  part of town, known in the trade as Shitsville.
or:         in a boring, featureless, two year old housing estate in which at least three houses
            have planted a couple of dying shrubs in their front gardens.
  • Far reaching views to the rear.
 The wind screams across the rear garden.
  • Open Aspect to the Rear
 The land behind you has planning permission for a new factory.
  • Greatly improved.
 A Do It Yourself nut has had free reign of the house and totally messed it up
  • Unusual feature.
 It has a feature you will want to rip out as soon as you move in.
  • Interesting....
 Weird....previous owners were constantly under some form of herbal influence.
  • Thriving part of town
 The drunks from the pub next door use your front garden as a toilet on the way to the bus stop outside your door after buying chips from the chippie shop across the road.
  • Popular area.
 Half the houses in the street are for sale at any one time or are regulary visited by burglars.
  • 15 foot Lounge
 The Lounge is 11 feet long but there is a 4 foot open cupboard in one wall.
  • Has a homely feeling
 The house has not been decorated since the 1950s
  • In a quiet area.
 There are no shops or facilities within reasonable travelling distance, unless you possess a Harrier Jump Jet (Planning permission required for landing strip).
  • In a rural area.
 More than 500 metres from the town centre or close to a strip of common ground.
  • Four bedrooms
 Three bedrooms and a boxroom or originally 3 beds with one having been sub-divided.
  • Three bedrooms
 One bedroom and two box rooms  or originally 2 beds with one having been sub-divided.
  • An extra room downstairs which could be used as a guest bedroom or study.
 There is a small funny shaped area  which is not big enough to be put to a meaningful use.
  • Well stocked garden
 Allow at least 10 hours a week for weeding.
  • Easily maintained
 Small garden or window boxes only.
  • ...with electrical sockets and telephone point.
 There is nothing the estate agent can think of to say about this room or he's obviously a trainee.
  • with a door leading to.......
 This estate agent spent all his time at university in a drunken stupor and has not yet learnt that rooms normally have doors.
  • Decorated in a modern style...
 The colour scheme is horrific.
  • On road parking
 No garage or driveway, not even a flower bed for the bicycle.
  • Parking for three vehicles
 The front garden has been laid to tarmac and will normally accommodate two vehicles plus access rights for the one with poor brakes which occassionally ends up in the sitting room.
  • Extended by the present owner
 There is a poorly built extension which probably does not have planning permission and almost certainly does not comply with building regulations.
  • Good use has been made of the available space
 Very small, present owners have a guinea pig or hampster.

Do you have a suggestion?
Please email your suggestions to sally@sallyfox.com or fax them to 0181-372-6043.